I used to have discussions about light and darkness, whether darkness is an entity or just the absence of light . I would spend hours thinking about these concepts and trying to understand.
I met darkness. May 2013. It landed on my lap. I couldn’t see beyond the darkness . I reached out into the familiar but uncomfortable darkness, but there was no light to lead the way . I screamed but the furthest my screams got was my mouth. I wanted to close my eyes so tight I would see light but all I saw was darkness.
Did I see darkness? Is darkness something you see? It felt like an envelope that clung to me tightly, it loved me, totally. Hugged me like a child hugging a parent she hasn’t seen in a long time. But it wasn’t love I felt, it was a repulsion that had its feet cemented deeply in my stomach. I wanted to free myself from this suffocating hug, but darkness wouldn’t go until it was done expressing its love to me. I have always wished for a faithful, loyal and true love . And I got it. From darkness.
Darkness was my shadow. In my gait, it made my feet heavy. In the night it lay next to me, embraced me and rocked me as I cried myself to sleep.
I knew I had to walk away. I wanted to run. I had ran away before. Many times. But darkness always found me. And each time it came back with a stronger love . I walked away this time. NO. I crawled away. Released me from the warm embrace, slid away and crawled away. I could not walk. Darkness had been at my side for so long I had forgotten how to walk on my own. I crawled until my knees were bruised and bled. I was scared to lean on kind strangers in case they were darkness in a mask.
With blood streaming down my shins, I stood up. With a fully-fledged smile and fresh, bold tears. It would be months before I take my first step.
not in my wildest dreams did I dream I would be one of those people who want to throw up at the site of all things red& white in heart shapes during Valentines.
I am Pisces and by default,not choice, I believe in love ever-lasting, forever happily after, true love that does not care if the guy has warts all over his face or is on his last R10. I believe in love. But the end of a long-term relationship just sucked all that romantic nonsense out of me and threw my rose-couloured glasses very far.
I had to view the world as it is, not as my imagination (which I swear sometimes takes steroids when I’m not watching) wanted it to be. I was alone. 14 Feb 2012. No smell of a man in my vicinity, no chocolate melting in my hand, no stupid teddy bear, no wilted roses,no long phonecall, no sms that ended with XXX, no email from a long-lost crush, NOTHING. Just me and the truth.
And I survived. With a bit of tears, Sex & The City I watched on my work laptop, and lots of Coke drank straight out of the bottle.
On the 15th, I woke up, alone with my face under a book I didn’t know I was reading. And life goes on. It is not etched or tattoed on my forehead that I spent Valentine’s day alone.
I survived and for that, I think I deserve a Bell’s…
Oh how we all try to be the sensible 30 year olds…with the car, the house, the man and a relationship with God. and how many of us lose it.
but boy am I glad to have met mine
Everyone needs a good set of friends, to comfort and reprimand, guide and miseducate, laugh and love, and someone to hold on to when you are stumbling out of the club at 03:42am.
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