Darkness has a bottomless stomach

I used to have discussions about light and darkness, whether darkness is an entity or just the absence of light . I would spend hours thinking about these concepts and trying to understand.

I met darkness. May 2013. It landed on my lap. I couldn’t see beyond the darkness . I reached out into the familiar but uncomfortable darkness, but there was no light to lead the way . I screamed but the furthest my screams got was my mouth. I wanted to close my eyes so tight I would see light but all I saw was darkness.

Did I see darkness? Is darkness something you see? It felt like an envelope that clung to me tightly, it loved me, totally. Hugged me like a child hugging a parent she hasn’t seen in a long time. But it wasn’t love I felt, it was a repulsion that had its feet cemented deeply in my stomach. I wanted to free myself from this suffocating hug, but darkness wouldn’t go until it was done expressing its love to me. I have always wished for a faithful, loyal and true love . And I got it. From darkness.

Darkness was my shadow. In my gait, it made my feet heavy. In the night it lay next to me, embraced me and rocked me as I cried myself to sleep.

I knew I had to walk away. I wanted to run. I had ran away before. Many times. But darkness always found me. And each time it came back with a stronger love . I walked away this time. NO. I crawled away. Released me from the warm embrace, slid away and crawled away. I could not walk. Darkness had been at my side for so long I had forgotten how to walk on my own. I crawled until my knees were bruised and bled. I was scared to lean on kind strangers in case they were darkness in a mask.

With blood streaming down my shins, I stood up. With a fully-fledged smile and fresh, bold tears. It would be months before I take my first step.

First Single Valentine’s Day after 5 years

not in my wildest dreams did I dream I would be one of those people who want to throw up at the site of all things red& white in heart shapes during Valentines.

I am Pisces and by default,not choice, I believe in love ever-lasting, forever happily after, true love that does not care if the guy has warts all over his face or is on his last R10. I believe in love. But the end of a long-term relationship just sucked all that romantic nonsense out of me and threw my rose-couloured glasses very far.

I had to view the world as it is, not as my imagination (which I swear sometimes takes steroids when I’m not watching) wanted it to be. I was alone. 14 Feb 2012. No smell of a man in my vicinity, no chocolate melting in my hand, no stupid teddy bear, no wilted roses,no long phonecall, no sms that ended with XXX, no email from a long-lost crush, NOTHING. Just me and the truth.

And I survived. With a bit of tears, Sex & The City I watched on my work laptop, and lots of Coke drank straight out of the bottle.  

On the 15th, I woke up, alone with my face under a book I didn’t know I was reading. And life goes on. It is not etched or tattoed on my forehead that I spent Valentine’s day alone.

I survived and for that, I think I deserve a Bell’s…

Hello world!

Welcome to WordPress.com. After you read this, you should delete and write your own post, with a new title above. Or hit Add New on the left (of the admin dashboard) to start a fresh post.

Here are some suggestions for your first post.

  1. You can find new ideas for what to blog about by reading the Daily Post.
  2. Add PressThis to your browser. It creates a new blog post for you about any interesting  page you read on the web.
  3. Make some changes to this page, and then hit preview on the right. You can always preview any post or edit it before you share it to the world.